Level Up & Don’t Settle, Fam

This blog post was originally published for The Sacred Desk

I can't really remember when she first started saying this, but my mama used to tell me all the time as a teenager, "Nicole, don't settle." then, she was referring to my dating choices and she had every right and concern to repeat this motto. If I'm being completely honest, I've been not so great at picking acceptable suitors...even now. From the time I was about 16 to now at the not-so-awesome-because-I-feel-old-and-30-is-like-tomorrow-but-not-really-age of 24, I've made some pretty piss poor choices in partners...and I really mean that. Why? Because I've settled A LOT...and settled for reasons that I'm pretty sure most of you can relate to.

I've settled because I thought my love was "enough to save them."

Pretty arrogant, don't you think?

I've settled because I was too comfortable and didn't "want to get to know anyone else."

Pretty ignorant, don't you think?

And my favorite of them all I've settled because I thought I was "too much."

Too much--what do you mean by 'too much,' Nic?

So glad you asked, fam!

In the progression of my adulthood humanity and all its complexities--as it does for anyone else, life happens, social media consumes you, insecurities haunt you, generational curses chase you ALL the way down, adulting just seems to suck more often than not, and you somehow get to the point where you have the uncanny audacity to allow a crappy partner or tow, or however many, to convince you that you are "too much"--too sensitive, too demanding, too difficult, too woman, too man, too impulsive, too ambitious, too human, and even too Christian.

And despite knowing what God says about you (Psalm 139:14, Ephesians 1:7, Romans 8:17), you and that uncanny audacity allow that partner or partners' good for nothing comments on the nature of your humanity to counter what God says about you. And then finally, you somehow allow yourself to be convinced that those comments are the truth--and you begin to believe them, and sooner than later those comments become your truth.

About a year and a half ago, I was convinced that what I require in a relationship was "too much." I was sitting on my couch one night, staring at my bookcase, listening to some sad song, and my mind was made up that things like loyalty, commitment, transparency, affection, communication, understanding, respect, and trust were too much to ask for--that being pursued was too much to ask for. And I truly believed that...and just as I was ready to adjust and operate in this new belief, God was like...

Little girl, I did not die on a cross, sacrifice my life, die for your sins, extend you grace, and somehow manage to deal with your brat attacks & doubt for you to think that BASIC...may I repeat, BASIC, requirements are 'too much.'

He speaks to me like that y'all...He has to. The too deep God with the deep voice that speaks in tongues and code and I aren't really homies, because I'm slow and quite frankly, that's just not our relationship. We're honest..and He's ALWAYS blunt...again, He has to be; I told you I'm slow.

Back to the matter at hand though.

So I hear this and I'm a little baffled. I'm a little irritated because in my opinion, I'm a Christian with an active relationship with God--I talk to Him and we have it out; nothing is off limits. I've prayed for the salvation and deliverance of my partners and I remained diligent in doing so. I tried my hardest to love them and treat them with the best love and resect, but still here I was abandoned and "too much." Like "Ayo, Dad? You couldn't give the kid a heads up MONTHS ago when I was here praying and crying, praying and crying, begging and crying, and begging and crying about these jokers? And you still call them your sons? GOD, WHAT'S REALLY GOOD, MY G?!"

I had an attitude...with God...insane right? Like how do you even have an attitude with God, how does that work? And legit I would say out loud, "Dad? I have an attitude with you!" Pointing my finger up at Him and everything--I'm a case y'all. I had an attitude, but it was because He was right. And more than me realizing He was right, I also realized that it was me who was wrong because I settled.

I settled for partners who I knew weren't capable of living up to what my needs were in a relationship. I settled for chaos in those relationships with those partners and had the nerve to call it "love"--FOOLISH! I settled for those thoughts that I allowed myself to believe about myself that were untrue because those thoughts didn't line up with God's Word and His affirmations for me.

I did that—not God.

I settled—not God.

And contrary to popular belief, our relationships with our partners aren’t the only relationships where we settle.

We settle in our relationship with God, too. We “slip up”—we do things that we know we have no business doing, we extend the boundaries that we’ve set to assist us in our commitments to righteous living, we become lax in our pursuit of God, we fall back on being in His Word daily and say “we’re just too busy,” we go to church less, we stop reaching out to those who hold us accountable and say they were “judging us,” we get comfortable with sin and we settle with mediocre.

I’ve been there—in fact, I’ve been feeling like that lately. I almost felt too stuck in my mediocre pursuit and commitment to God that I wasn’t sure I was the right person to be doing any kind of sermon at all. I felt inadequate to do this because there are times where I’m convinced that I’m “too unworthy”—there are times I’m convinced that God has left the room.

Can you imagine if God left the room? What would that look like, feel like?

There are times I feel like God has left the room…but then again, He speaks to me…

Little girl, GET UP! Stop being dramatic. Yeah, you messed up—slipped up…but I was still in the room. I may have turned my back, but I was still in the room. There is no place, no depth I am not willing to go to find you and bring you back to where you belong. I was in that room…where you are, I am with you. I will not leave you. But I need you to stop running from me. 

Imagine that?

Imagine that there is no depth He is not willing to go to save you (Hebrews 7:25), no person, place, or thing, heaven, or hell (Romans 8:38-39), nothing He isn’t willing to give up for you (Romans 8:32)—not a thing.

Imagine that?

Imagine knowing you’re unworthy, knowing you ain’t worth grace, knowing you ain’t worth what was done on that Cross, but He still wants you?

And He knows you’re trifling, and He knows your flaws, and He knows AAAAAALLLLLLL your filth, but He still thinks you’re to die for (John 3:16)?

Imagine that?

And imagine, that even with all your calamity and all your humanity, you still have a purpose—you still are called to that purpose and He still desires for you to be His. He still wants to work with you and use you for His most beautiful glory.

Imagine that?

Well He does, fam—He does.

And He doesn’t want you to settle. He came that you might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10).

We get caught up settling because we forget or lose sight of who God says that we are. We forget that the “basic” requirements are the foundation of something bigger, and the moment we allow ourselves to settle and adjust with becoming okay if those requirements are not made, we rob ourselves of the chance to live in abundance.

When we settle, we limit our chances of living in that abundance that Christ gave us access to. The whole point of Christ coming to Earth was so that we could LIVE—free from sin and rich in purpose for the glory of God. We can’t unlock the riches and blessings of the Kingdom if we’re settling for mediocre.

You are CALLED (Jeremiah 29:11), you are LOVED (Romans 8:38), you are WORTHY OF PURSUIT (Luke 19:10), and you are SAVED (Romans 6:14, 23).

There is an abundant life waiting for you, sis. There is an abundant life waiting for you, brother. And God wants to give it to you, but He needs you to LEVEL UP—He needs you to stop settling.

You are not too much—you are enough…that’s what He says, trust me…He told me!

In this day and age, it’s easy to become settled and complacent. When it seems like everyone else around you is progressing in some kind of situationship that they hashtag for “Relationship Goals,” when it seems people are getting by doing the bare minimum and you just want to stop living paycheck to paycheck…when you just want to be seen for who you really are and for that to be enough…it’s easy to settle.

But don’t. PUSH, and LEVEL UP.

When that partner tries to tell you you’re doing the most and you’re just too much when you’re asking for the basic requirements…

PUSH THEM OUT and LEVEL UP.

When you find yourself backsliding and feel like you’ve gone too far…

PUSH and LEVEL UP.

When you find yourself being lazy in your pursuit of God, your missing your daily devotions, missing church, missing small group, missing accountability…

PUSH and LEVEL UP.

When you aren’t feeling too hot about yourself and wonder if you are loved and if anyone sees you…
PUSH OUT THOSE THOUGHTS and LEVEL UP TO THE THOUGHTS OF GOD.

Level up, fam, and Don’t Settle.

Grace & Peace;
xo, Nic.

Why I Started Life Coaching

Back for like the SECOND time since I started this whole vlogging thing. 

Man, oh man, is it a commitment! 

But so is working on yourself and that's what I've been doing since my last vlog.

I started life coaching a few months back & I wanted to share with you all how I got there,

what I've learned since & how I plan to continue my healing process.

I also break down the difference between life coaching & counseling,

 based off of my personal experiences.

xo, Nic.

The Best Years: Dating Yourself & Making the Best of Your Singleness

Hey Fam!

So about a good two weeks ago, I was on Le Snapchat, and I had shared some advice relating to not being afraid to take yourself out on a date by yourself. Honestly y'all, I was low-key venting to encourage myself and just had faith that someone else would be going through the same. Long and behold, I got some feedback about it and one of my friends actually followed through with the advice and took himself on a date. I thought that was pretty cool and since I know a lot of us may be struggling with discontentment in our singleness, I figured why not write about dating yourself and making your single years your BEST YEARS.

Before we get into the "How to Date Yourself" codebook, let's first talk about the reality of our lives:

From the time we're born to about 22/23 on average, our lives are really our parents'. They take care of us, tell us what to do, and pretty much shape us into who we are up to that point. It's not until after our college graduation that some of us get to experience real freedom for the first time. By that time, you've probably moved out of your parents' house, or got a new job to kickstart your career. In theory, you've given 23 years of your life to your parents, family, and maybe even your friends—you've barely had the time to really know yourself and determine who you want to be for yourself.

Your single years are just that—the time for you to get to know who you really are and who you want to be. We often times rob ourselves of that opportunity, rushing into relationships and sometimes even marriage. Sorry to break it to you, but marriage at 22/23 may not be for you shawty, maybe not even at 25, 35, 45, or maybe not at all! And if it's not, will you still be content with Christ alone? If Adam or your Rib never comes—if marriage is not what God has called you to, will you still say, "Yes," to Him?

A lot of times, we allow marriage and the idea of it to become an idol in our lives. Whether it be to fill a void we hold from our upbringing, or an idea that we were told we're supposed because of some movie we saw, and because society told us it's what "we're supposed to do," marriage should never be the end goal—glorifying Jesus should be.

If we could take our eyes off of marriage for just a second, and get to know ourselves as singles, first, we avail ourselves to the opportunity not just to experience ourselves, but to also experience God in a relational way. We experience Him as a companion, a friend, and a love. In that experience, He reveals to you your true self in His image.

For me, it wasn't until I started spending quality time with myself, alone—no friends, no boyfriend, no family—just me and Jesus, that I realized who Nic really was. I was able to figure out why certain relationships didn't work for me, why my favorite color is what it is, what qualities of myself I like and need to change. Y'all I even learned how to cook and liked it! Anyone who knows me personally knows that I've always hated cooking. I was convinced that my husband would just have to get over it and learn for himself. Clearly, God thought it would be cool to have me move out my mom's and either live or starve. So another check for Proverbs 31 checklist!

I started dating myself and the day I made up in my mind that my single years would be my BEST YEARS yet, discontentment in my singleness became less of a thing. I began to focus more on my purpose and actually enjoy my singleness.

So,

"How To Date Yourself 101:"

1. Get that butt to work!

Being single doesn't mean you wait around for Mr. or Ms. Right. Your Adam isn't going to come while you're sitting there looking pretty, or your Eve, fellas, while you're not getting a home ready for her.

Look at both stories of Adam (Genesis 2:4-25) and Ruth (Ruth 2:1-23)—both Adam and Ruth were minding their own business, doing the Lord's work before they were introduced to their spouses. Adam was in the garden when God made the decision that it was not good for man to be alone. Ruth was working in the field when Boaz noticed her work ethic and became intrigued by her. Both servants of the Lord were working, fulfilling their purpose, completing their work.

So get to work, bro!

2. Be confident!

That night two weeks ago, I took myself out to one of my favorite spots, requested a booth, picked up a book and really sat there, minding my business, ordered something different and I looked great doing so. I dress up for my dates with myself—makeup, heels, the whole nine! The same I would if I was going out on a date if I was in a relationship. I looked good and I felt good. I didn't need a man or woman to tell me I was beautiful because I already knew; God told me so (Psalm 139:14).

A man had come up to me that night and said, "Are you by yourself?" I simply replied, "Yes, I am." He went on to ask me why I was having dinner alone; no beautiful woman should ever be having dinner alone. I blushed and slightly cracked up at first, then I told him that there's nothing wrong with a beautiful woman having dinner alone and enjoying herself. I was treating myself and didn't need anyone else to do it for me. He applauded me for that. Weeks before that, another man had asked me if I had ever been told I was beautiful. Quickly I replied and said, "Yep! Sure have." When he asked who told me, I said, "My daddy!" LOL! My curve game is hilarious and so sarcastic, but it's also on point!

Knowing who I am in Christ and growing in Him has allotted me the freedom to grow past my insecurities and into confidence. I no longer need the affirmation of people, especially men to tell me things I already know about myself. Now, ladies, don't be rude! Some men are genuinely looking to compliment you as a way of encouraging you and applauding you for being put together. Say "thank you" and don't be afraid to compliment them back. A safe-zone response for me is "Thank you, King. Have a great day, okay;" gets them every time with the smile.

3. Enjoy it!

Saying that being single is boring is a lie—a lie someone told you and you believed it silly! It can be fun if you allow it to be. Do different things, travel, create a bucket list of "Firsts" and actually do all the things you've never done for the first time.

God hasn't called us to live these dreaded lives; He's called us to live in abundance. When we seek Him first, He said that all things shall be added unto us (Matthew 6:33)...ALL things!!! You know what ALL things is? It's ALL things—an abundance! You'll never lack if you get your butt to work, remain confident in who He has called you to be, and enjoy the journey!

Make the best of of your singleness and don't waste them away thinking your life will magically become this fairy tale once you reach marriage. I'm telling you, matter of fact, I BEG YOU LINDA, LISTEN TO ME!!! You'll want to enjoy these years now because once they're gone, THEY AINT COMING BACK! Once that spouse comes, and them little snot nosers are crawling all over your house and them terrible-twos hit, you'll be wishing you had two seconds of silence!

Your single years are your BEST Years yet. Enjoy them!

Stay encouraged fam. This is a community thing so feel free to hit me with the questions or shoot me an email even if it's for encouragement. We're in this together!

God loves you immensely and I love you too!

Praying with you,
xo Nic.

"...Just Give Me Like 5 Years:" For the Girls [And Guys] that Got Away...

Hey friends!

It's been more than three months since my last post, but today we're going to get back into the groove of things.

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on where I'm at mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in my walk and even in my relationships--past and present. I was noticing a commonality in a lot of the conversations I would have with men either in passing or in general. Now I've mentioned this commonality before, but honestly, it's beginning to bug me a bit. That commonality is this phrase:

You know...you're great and all, wifey material and everything...I'm just not ready for a commitment right now. But if you could give me life 5 years, I promise you, we gon' do this thing and Imma make you real happy...what do you say?

*Insert rolling eyes emoji*

Crazy, right?! Like what "man" in their right mind thinks I...Me...THIS POPPIN' GIRL RIGHT HERE is waiting 5 years for them to get their act together?! Not here brother man...I'm good! Enjoy sowing your royal oats though!

Let me tell you something: if a man [or woman for my fellas] can't see what's right in front of them, let them go! I've said this before in previous posts and that's because it's true!

For most of my life, I've been "The Girl that Got Away." What does that mean? Well, for my slower friends here, in short it means it takes for a relationship to be over, done with, I've moved on, and he's settled for less (no shade *hair flip*), for a guy that I've been in a relationship with to FINALLY get that maybe they should've gotten they're act together sooner. And by the time they've gotten this act together, I'm already over it and the door of access is only accessible after the Rapture...basically, you have not a chance!

Honestly, about like two months ago, I got tired of being "The Girl that Got Away." Like y'all I was really starting to think that it was time to give up on this whole "love" thing (Yeah, right! Tried it!--Y'all know I'm a hopeful romantic at heart). But no for real, I kept feeling like nothing was coming out of anything--my patience with men and God was running real low, I had no "juice," no one ever slides in my DM's (that's actually a blessing), and no one had really expressed interest seriously. Y'all I started trippin'!

Likkkkkeee, "Hey, Jesus! What's going on here?! You forgot about me...little ol' me?! I could use a little man right now. This grad school thing's gettin' kinda crazy, my boss is getting on my nerves EVERY 5 minutes, calling me after business hours...I could use a little companion here!"

I was done being that girl and I just wanted someone to appreciate me for the amazing woman I am, not take me for granted, or take the chance of letting me go, in hopes that I would wait around for them.

Then, as God ALWAYS has a way of doing, He checked me. And that's when I realized that being "The Girl [or Guy] that Got Away" is often times a choice.

WHAT?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know! It didn't make sense to me at first either, but let me explain Gina:

We've all been given free will in this life and sometimes, we choose to see past the signs God has already been showing us. For me personally, I always get this gut feeling when I'm going into a situation I'm not supposed to be in. I also hear CLEAR AS DAY God's voice whether I want to or not. But I go in anyhow thinking I can "influence him, not change him because I can't change a man; only God can." I swear to you this is really what I tell myself, y'all.

Despite the FIRST initial sign of warning, I keep going heart first, mind last. STUPIDLY tragic! And as time progresses, other signs show up, but I stay anyhow really thinking that I can influence this person into a transformation, praying and crying, crying and praying to God who already told me this is not a relationship I should've pursued in the first place.

If you're like me, you've overstayed your visit in a situation God never ordained you to be in. Then he [or she] hits you with "there's too much living to do; we're so young and I'm just tryna enjoy my life." So you're now left with the short end of the stick, after putting in all the effort, wasting your love and/or your time away and now what?

You convince yourself that you're better than their next (which you MOST CERTAINLY are), but you dedicate too much of your time trying to out do them, trying to fight for someone to love you, when you should be loving yourself.

One of the most painful things I've ever put my own self through in life was loving someone more than I loved myself, overstaying my stay, trying to turn what should've been a hotel room into a home. Pay attention to the signs and go in the direction The Lord is leading you to.

To be honest, in theory, there would be no "Girls or Guys that Got Away" if we'd just pay attention to the signs that God gives us when He gives them to us. By being hard headed, impatient and disobedient with Him, we lead ourselves straight on into heartbreak and wonder why when we get into the next relationship, we either take our bad habits of ignoring the signs and continue overstaying, or we take the hurt from our past and bring them into our current relationships...BOTH WRONG. Yet, we wonder why God hasn't blessed us with something different.

My sister wrote this quote on her mirror, one in which inspired this post:

God can't give you something new with your hands still clenching onto old things.

After being tired of being "The Girl that Got Away," I realized that I had to make a change in my actions and expectations in relationships. I also noticed within myself a trust issue with men, which is really a heart issue stimulated from the not-so-smart decisions I made and predicaments I put myself in regarding my heart. Let me make this VERY clear: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU REACT TO EVERY EXPERIENCE IN YOUR LIFE. There will be some circumstances life hands to us, and others we create for ourselves; either way, YOU are responsible for how YOU deal with them. Relating back to my "heart issue," I am completely responsible for my trust issue because I created that issue by allowing anything less than what I deserved into my life, allowing it to stay, make itself comfortable, bring its baggage, and live rent-free. Therefore, I am responsible for also evicting it. It's the house cleaning afterwards that God wants to take part in--He wants to clean you up again and deal with your heart's root issue--the foundation that was damaged when YOU allowed that person to destroy you. We give permission to people's actions towards us when we allow their bad treatment to go unchecked.

Our "getting away" is really a blessing in disguise because it gives us another chance to do it right--to be obedient to God's will and reset our patience in Him. Love takes time and requires patience (1 Corinthians 13:4); it's not going to fall out the sky and just happen. It takes WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK--sorry y'all that's really my song!!! Anyways, back to patience...Psalm 27:14, says Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart. Your patience in waiting on God in your life will not only block the actions and repercussions of your hand, but it will also build your endurance in the waiting.

Now about this "give me like 5 years" thing--Look here! The Bible says, He that finds a wife, finds a good thing (Proverbs 8:22). KEYWORD AGAIN LADIES: HE. God didn't call you to look for him. But when he finds you, there is NOTHING that man won't do for you. Check out Jacob and Rachel (Genesis 29:20-28). When Jacob came across Rachel, he knew she was too good to let up. So immediately, he wanted to marry her before anyone else had the chance. But her father made him wait FOURTEEN years...AND HE DID IT LADIES!!! Jacob served and worked for the woman he loved and was determined to spend the rest of his life with.

*HINT HINT*: If a man is not willing to respect your vow to honor your temple before God and commit to you, then he's NOT the one for you. No man is going to let another man take what's his.

So if a man [or woman] is afraid of commitment, chances are God hasn't ordained them the honor of having you. Get Away From Them! But in that, don't doubt God either because He will come through. Remember that our God is not slow in keeping His promises (2 Peter 3:9). If He promised it to you, He will do it.

The Word also reminds us to guard [our] hearts, for everything [we] do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). Be so very careful with who you allow into your space. Don't be discouraged friends...it's going to work out for your good and one day, you'll be happy you were the one that got away, because you'll have made room for the one that won't let you walk away.

Peace + Love,
xo, Nic

Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye...

Hey friends!

Today I thought would be a great day to address a topic dear to my heart--a topic I live my every day life with so much joy, so much fulfillment, so much...I am soooooooo lying, it's not always that joyous and exciting (LOL). But today we're going to talk about why this 22-year-old fly girl kissed dating goodbye!

So here's the story:

My junior year of college my best friend Brianna told me about this book she read called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris and how she was no longer dating...huh?! You can bet I looked at her like she was crazy. We were both 20 at the time--I was in a relationship and I don't remember if she was or wasn't, but all I knew was that here we both were on my bedroom floor of our college apartment and she telling me something crazy. "Like how are you going to get married silly?"

She went on to try and explain it to me and it didn't make ANY sense until maybe a year and a half later. Basically, she was no longer giving into the worldly idea and concept of what it means to date (You'll hear more about this in her video I attached at the bottom).

Around the end of February that same school year, my relationship ended. I was reevaluating my past relationships and my dating habits in general and I wondered again, how did what I was doing in my relationships differ from what Bri was talking about? I mean I had only been in 3 serious relationships-God existed in each...right...well....okay nevermind, but I hadn't just been with these men to be with them. I had intentions of a future, a marriage, a family. I wasn't dating for the sole intent of having a "boyfriend." The difference, though, is purpose.

How Brianna and I define "dating/courting" are a tad different, but one thing I think we both agree on is that we both desire to be pursued God's way and ONLY "date/court" with the intent to be married with a purpose.

So what is purpose?

The definition of purpose is the reason for which something is done or created for which something exists; basically why something was created. For me, I don't want to be married just because it's cute and I want to be able to be laid up with someone without sinning. DUB. That's not the point of marriage. God's intent for marriage was way bigger than that-to glorify HIM.

Going back to my decision, I decided that if God had truly placed the desire to be married and have a family on my heart, it was to fulfill His plan and purpose for my life, in order to glorify Him. That meant that I just couldn't date these random guys anymore! Couldn't be laid up with bae, Netflix and Chilling. My life had a purpose--God had a purpose for me and there was more that He was requiring of me..."worldly dating" wasn't it either.

As stated in a previous post, the idea of dating, according to most, means going out there and meeting different people. You may meet three different people, go on dates with them, interact with them, and do all of that to get to know them. Then you pick which one you feel meets your expectations/compliments you, and cut the rest off. And if you find out you don't like any of them, you go on more dates to find a new batch!

Doing it God's way is different. Instead of going through this "process of elimination," God has already created the man He has intended for me to marry, so there's no need for this "process of elimination;" only that I be patient and wait in Him to reveal that man in due time. Me waiting in Him is me working, serving, fulfilling my purpose even in my singleness (Proverbs 31, Ruth 2-3).

Now after this epiphany, was I always excited about it? NOPE! (I sometimes think I run things in my life) Around two months before I moved from my hometown to a new city, I decided I was going to try and hit the dating scene! I told y'all before, ya girl was REEEEEAAAADDDYYYYY!!!!! I was going to be out here-cute, single, and ready to mingle. God shut that down so quick. Y'all I got no play out here! None. At. All. He had other plans CLEARLY!

That's when it really hit me-I wasn't called to "just date." I wasn't called to be another in some random's weekly or monthly rotation. God intended for me to be pursued by Him and only when a man is in Him first, will God reveal me to the one that He has created for me to pursue me. Ladies, we don't have to date to find the one. The Word of our Father says in Proverbs 18:22 that, He that finds a wife, finds a good thing. The keyword here is HE--it wasn't God's intention for a woman to find her husband; your husband is supposed to find you and pursue you. That means you have to be patient and wait on God!

The Word of God talks about the union of marriage and how big of a deal it is in Genesis 2:22-24. When a couple marries, the two become one flesh spiritually (Mark 10:8), meaning all that goes with that person's spirit, goes with you. I'm not about to do it my way and be one in the flesh with the wrong man! Not A Chance! I'll wait!

There are also responsibilities and tasks of each spouse that come with marriage stated in 1 Corinthians 7:1-16 and Ephesians 5:22-33 that I'm not about to be doing or working out with the wrong Adam. God reminds us in Proverbs to purposely not trust our own judgement for a reason when it comes to certain things.

Now is there any specific scripture on dating? Honestly, no. God intends for us to marry though, before we get in the marriage bed!!!! (MY EYES ARE STARING AT YOU!!!!!)

So why did I kiss dating goodbye? Because after loving each of these men, it still failed and we still did it wrong. I was tired of hurting as well. Breakups are rough! I didn't want to do it my way anymore. I wanted God's best for me and I wanted Him to have control over everything in my life, including my love life. So I'm waiting on God and I pray you will too!

Be sure to check out Bri's video here and checkout her website firefliesforchrist.com. You can also check out another great video on Christians & Dating on Chase God TV featuring Joe Solomon here (he's hilarious and breaks it down in a pretty clear way).

In the meantime, be blessed!

Don't get weary during your season of waiting. Focus on the promise, not the process.

I'm praying for you; God loves you like crazy!
xo, Nic

My Fatherless Void: Creating Voids Within the People We Love

Recently a really important relationship in my life went left (like as left as you could think). And as much as this relationship going left hurt, it became an avenue for a teachable moment that I thought I might share for this post.

So to start off, I am going to admit that I have a really bad habit of "making homes out of human beings."

What does that mean?

It means that I tend to allow people to overstay their destined duration in my life--I have a hard time letting go of those I get so used to and when it's time for them to leave, I hold on instead of letting them go. They become what is comfortable for me and what feels like "home" to me.

Letting go is hard y'all--it's painful and it's a process that a lot of us (if not all of us) do not enjoy. And with this specific relationship, I held on to what I desired from this relationship for far too long. I was holding on to who that person used to be to me, what their love used to feel like, what their presence used to feel like, and the purpose that relationship used to serve in my life. Me holding on to that, yearning and desiring to get all of that back, put a strain on the relationship. I had certain expectations and when a specific expectation ended up not being fulfilled, I was let down. I was hurt and to be honest, it really hurt me to the point where I questioned me. I questioned my purpose, I questioned myself (THIS IS HOW I KNOW I WAS TRIPPING!!!!!). But seriously--I had invested so much time and so much of myself into this relationship that I wasn't always being truthful and honest with myself. I was more so concerned with making sure this person was okay and that I was there for them, instead of being there for me, first (your needs are just as important boo!). And long and behold, eventually, my expectation and a lack of communication on both ends led to what could possibly be an end to a relationship that I've valued for the past three years.

To this day, it hurts. I have cried--there have been days I didn't want to get out of bed. I've even had days when I've wondered if one of the things I'm waiting for in my life can still actually happen for me. There have also been days when I've questioned was there more that I could have done to keep this person in my life or maintain this relationship (again, I WAS TRIPPING!!! I'm really THE litness and if you can't see that...you have a serious vision problem!). But today, something shifted.

In my time of communication with God today, I realized something so important about myself--I have a fatherless void and it has affected a lot of my romantic and platonic relationships with the men in my life in a negative way.

So what is a fatherless void?

It's an emotional, spiritual, mental and/or physical space left unoccupied by our fathers, which often times causes a lack of self love, self assertion, and self fulfillment within us. This fatherless void is often found in young women, but is also common in young men.

For me, my void dates back to my childhood when my parents divorced. I was just about six-years-old when my parents separated and it took a psychological toll on me--one that, of course at that age, I would not be able to comprehend. But as I got older, I developed this deep resentment and rage toward my dad. Despite the fact that my father was very active in my life, the six-year-old girl that felt like he left her behind, when he and my mother divorced, was still waiting on him to return. By the time I was 18, my relationship with my father had gone through just about every up and down any father-daughter relationship could endure. Before I went off to college, I wrote my dad a letter about my resentment toward him and I really let him know how I was feeling. We got the chance to talk about the letter, and from there, we agreed that we would always be honest with how we felt and would grow a healthier and more loving relationship. Four months later, my dad passed away from a massive stroke and the daddy's little girl relationship I desired to develop with my dad was no longer possible. I was hurt, but even more so, that six-year-old girl was once again abandoned by her father with no warning and this time, he wasn't coming back for her.

Since my dad's passing, I've tried to cope a lot on my own. My sophomore year of college I met this really awesome guy and contrary to popular belief, he didn't want anything from me-he just wanted to listen...and he did. He listened and he let me cry. For anyone that knows me, that's a big deal! I don't share my emotions nor cry with strangers (THAT'S CRAZY; DON'T RECOMMEND IT EITHER). But...I did and he was there. He supported me a lot and really helped me get through that year. Eventually, we progressed into a romantic relationship, and unfortunately he became a void filler for my dad's absence. He comforted me the best he could and was there for me, but I, not fully aware, was still searching for my dad. We eventually broke up due to a lack of communication, but became friends up until recently. And it was after our recent fall out that I realized he was a void filler in my life. I'd call him when things got bad, still cry (and ugly cry, too, smh), depend on him for EVERYTHING--I called him first when my tire blew out instead of AAA (WHO DOES THAT?!). He was my go-to; he became the main person I ran to and in retrospect, he became an idol.

Here's where this affects our spiritual health:

When a person, male or female, becomes a void filler in your life, they take away an opportunity for God to be God in your life. When there is a glitch with a toy, you don't send it to another toy to fix it--you send it to the manufacturer. Well just like toys, if there is a glitch (a void or a hurting) within a human being, you don't (well, you shouldn't) run to another human being to heal you or fix you--you should run to The Source, The Manufacturer, GOD.

Our voids, whether they being fatherless voids, motherless voids, and/or a feeling of something missing or lacking, are a glitch in our spiritual makeup. God desires for us to be whole, so when these lacks occur, we must seek Him to restore us--to fix us.

When we go out seeking people and things to fill our voids, we put God on the back burner. We're basically saying to Him that He alone isn't sufficient enough to heal us and to help us-that His love isn't enough to suffice. And that hurts Him.

Exodus 34:4 reminds us that placing other things and people before God is idolatry. The text warns us not to allow this to occur because God is a jealous God. When we place something in His place, we harden our hearts to Him and His will.

Instead, to heal us and to fix us, we should cling to our Creator. Anything other than God is just a band-aid to the wound.

He wants to heal us completely. The world may be able to heal us lightly and for a little while--that void filler may ease the pain for a some time--but He is the only one that can heal us completely. And in order for Him to do that, He needs to deal with the root of our sickness. A lot of the times, we try to heal the symptoms related to our voids or even our sins, when it's really the root. We don't take the time out to deal with the root of our voids and we continue to allow people and things to be the symptom solutions.

God isn't a symptom solution; He's the cure.

We have to let Him remove the root, letting Him get deep within us in order to really heal us. And that starts with self-reflection. We have to be honest with ourselves and with God. I once heard in a sermon that "God isn't a pedophile--He's not going to go into a place He's not invited." It's when we're honest with ourselves about our pasts, about our wounds, our hurts, and our voids that we can then admit to God what we're lacking and invite Him in.

In Isaiah 53:5, it says that He was wounded for our transgressions...bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him and by His stripes we are healed.  That means that Christ suffered for us--He knew what we were to endure in this lifetime; He knew we would need healing so He sacrificed Himself for our sake. Christ is our healing; He's the cure.

God knew that we would lack, but He promised to be our provider. For those like me, He knew we would go searching for our fathers, but Psalm 68:5 says that He will be a father to the fatherless. He is close to those who are close to Him.

Another thing that we fail to realize is that our voids and our use of void fillers are a lack of patience, trust, and faith in God. For me, I know that to be true. I also know that my voids were also rooted in fear-I feared that no one would be able to be there for me, I lacked trust and faith in God truly being able to heal me. I doubted Him and I had a hard time believing that God was able to do it.

But He is!

We just have to let Him in and let Him love us. He's slow to anger and love us so much (Psalm 86:15). Nothing--not our sin, not our fear, not our voids--can separate us from the love that He has for us. He is greater than any desire, any void, and any person that has left you. He will never leave you; people will, but God won't ever leave you.

It's okay to love someone and it's okay for that person to be important, but when they become your main source and become more important than God, it's no longer healthy for you. And if you've totally surrendered to the will of God, He will remove that person Himself because He wants your heart. He wants nothing in the way of His path to you; voids fillers block His healing.

So God removed that person? It's okay, you'll be just fine...He'll restore you and if it's meant for that person to remain in your life, He'll even restore that relationship and teach you how to refrain from creating idols out of your relationships with people. It's so easy for our friendships and romantic relationships to become forms of idolatry. We must prevent that and deal with our voids.

Be honest with yourself...receive your healing and let the Cure, the Source, the Creator, God, fill your voids with His unfailing love.

You deserve healing; not a band-aid for a deep wound.

I'm praying for you; I love you and He loves you more!
xo, Nic

"If you cling to comfort more than you cling to Christ, you will deny Christ as soon as your comfort is threatened."

-Cornelius Lindsey

"But Where is Your Husband:" How to Deal with The Holiday Relationship Conversations

It's the MOST wonderful time of the year!

I LOVE the holiday season, spending time with my family, decorating my mom's house, and just the spirit of this time of the year.

But with all great fun and family times, there's always the DREADFUL conversations about who I'm dating, what's going on in my love life, how are my exes (like who cares!?) and the other questions that leave the room filled with crickets sounds.

"Where is your husband?"

"When you gone get married?"

Like...but where is yours? (KIDDING!)

I get it-most of our family members have great intentions for us! And we thank God for their concern and the love they have for us to be the best and live the best lives that we can. BUT! that does not mean that Auntie Pattie and cousin KiKi gotta be all in your business!

Often times, we feel pressured by our family regarding numerous areas of our lives, and often times our romantic relationships are at the forefront of their concern (Just Nosey!!!).

I've experienced it just about every holiday gathering and I've even had family and friends call me just to ask about my love life-not even a hello! Just straight to the point, "Who you dating?" Like uh uh! Bye girl! Fly girl!

Recently, with understanding the call on my life and where God is leading me, I came to the understanding that dating isn't actually for me (blog on this coming soon!). Some people can date, and that is fine! But I cannot.

Here's what I mean: I told y'all in the last post, "I am not a seasonal kinda girl; I'm a lifetime commitment." I MEANT THAT! If we go together, that means, eventually we gettin' hitched! And that's not because I want to be married so bad, but because I want to be pursued by God's purpose; not for the mere purpose of "dating."

The idea of dating, according to most, means going out there and meeting different people. For the idealistic dating scenario, you may meet three different guys, go on dates with them, interact with them, and do all of that to get to know them. Then you pick which one you feel meets your expectations/compliments you and cut the rest off. And if you find out you don't like any of them, you go on more dates to find a new batch! I know this may sound harsh, and it may not be this way in your reality, BUT this is the way I see it (AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE!). However, seeing it the way I do, I am WAAAAAYYY too busy and do not have the attention span, nor the hand-eye coordination to juggle more than one person at a time! It's just too much! That's a whole talent that God has not blessed me with for a reason.

Dating is just not for me, and it kills me when people ask me why I'm not dating and refuse to accept that God hasn't called me to that lifestyle.

My desire is for every desire on my heart to be in alignment with the will of God-for every desire I have to be His desire for me. Before I graduated from undergrad, I was determined to hit the dating scene as soon as I moved to the city I live in now. Y'all I was soooooooo ready and so excited! I was really 'bout to be out here and doing this thing! Had my cute outfits set up in the closet-every-ting! Then I got here and God was like, "Nah. You THOUGHT it was!" No date life. Nada!

That's when it hit me-I wasn't called to date. I wasn't called to be another in some random's weekly or monthly rotation. God intended for me to be pursued by Him and only when a man is in Him first, will God reveal me to the one that He has created for me to pursue me. Ladies, we don't have to date to find the one. The Word of our Father says in Proverbs 18:22 that, He that finds a wife, finds a good thing. The keyword here is HE--it wasn't God's intention for a woman to find her husband; your husband is supposed to find you and pursue you. That means you have to be patient and wait on God!

Often times we move out of fear and impatience, and we've talked about this before in my previous post, but this fear and impatience also relates to how we react to our family's holiday conversations about our lives.

You don't have to move from a place of fear nor embarrassment when you're asked those questions about your dating life. God hasn't given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7), so therefore you should not operate in such! Stand in the authority and confidence that He has given us in our big brother Christ Jesus.

Be confident in where God has placed you because He's working out a miracle in your life. He's creating you to be the best woman, best man, you can be! He's writing this beautiful love story for you and your husband (or rib), so don't you dare trip! He's got you and He's got it all figured out for you.

So when your mama and 'em press you with those questions, STAND boldly and courageously, laugh if you have to, and simply say, "I'm waiting on God." And if they have more to say, want to give the "advice" they swear by, or even better hook you up with their girlfriend Loretta's FIIIIIINNNNEEE son or beautiful daughter, AGAIN reply, "No thank you, I'm waiting on God."

Trust Him and really wait on Him (Proverbs 3:5 & Psalm 27:14).

Don't fall into the holiday blues or the cuffing season lie!

Pinky Promise founder and Christian blogger, Heather Lindsey, posted these awesome words of encouragement on Instagram recently. She said,
     "Refuse to be bullied members with good intentions this Thanksgiving. Be confident in the fact that God has you exactly where He wants you to be. When He opens up a relationship door, when you and your spouse get pregnant, when you find a job in your field or whatever else--they will be notified. Gently remind them that you trust the Lord and encourage them to trust Him too."

I couldn't have said it better (she says it so much nicer though)!

Really though, stand firm in where God has placed you and trust Him! He's got you!

I love you, but He adores you even more!

Happy Holidays from my family to yours,
xo, Nic

"Don't Miss Anything Good While I'm Gone...": For the Girl Waiting on Him to Come Back

You ever been in a situation where you and another are in this kind of limbo in your relationship, and you know for sure that you want to be back together with that person, but they aren't exactly sure if you're "the one" for them and basically press the pause button on you, while you're expected to wait on them to figure it out?

You have?! Oh great! Because that's exactly what we're going to be talking about today-the young women, and even young men, who are used to being told that they are the perfect person, just not the right time.

If like me, you've gotten what I call "the Speech of all Excuses;" you know, the one where they go, "You know, you're everything I could've ever asked for and more in a [girl/man]. And if you give me like 3-5 years, bet I'll marry you, but right now I really wanna live my life."

I love that speech!

If I'm being honest, I've been given that speech at least 3-4 times in the past 6 months. Last year, I was also in the very same situation I mentioned in the beginning of this post, where I was told by a man, whom I loved very much, to not "miss anything good while" he was gone. We had broke up a few months prior, but were still very much so invested into each others' lives, trying to figure out what was the best decision for our situation. After many talks, lots of awkward silences and situations, he made it clear that he wanted to see other people and see what else was out there for him.  It hurt me to the core. I knew the caliber of a woman I was and it shocked me that not only was I the one dumped, but at the moment, I felt that I wasn't good enough or worthy enough for him to stay.

WRONG MENTALITY.

Ladies (and gentlemen), if that person wants to go out and explore the world, LET THEM! Understand, them choosing to leave you has absolutely nothing to do with you-however, it has everything to do with them! Your worth does not change because someone chooses to leave you. Psalm 139:13 says Body and soul, [you were] marvelously made; for you were made in His image (Genesis 1:27). Thus meaning, you were made beautifully; YOU ARE ENOUGH IN GOD'S EYES. To Him, you are to die for (John 3:16). Your worth is not defined by those who choose to stay or choose not to stay and marvel in the masterpiece that God has made of you.

Now, I know you're probably like,
      You know Nic, I hear what you're saying and I get that my worth isn't in a man (or woman)-it's in God. But Nic...it's not that easy. It's not that easy to get over someone. I envisioned a future with this person; I wanted them to be my last. That pain...that void...that emptiness just doesn't go away over night. I thought they were...

The One?

Yeah, I did too. So in fact, I get it! But I'm here to let you know that it's not the end! Now "the end" can mean two things: (1) the end of that relationship all together OR (2) the end of a specific season for a relationship.

A little sermon for you:
Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us that For everything there is a season, meaning that everything in existence has its own season. Just like how in nature certain crops and flowers are only in season during the spring and summer, while others are only in season during the fall and winter-it's the same thing with relationships. Before these crops and flowers flourish in their harvest, a process takes place before the harvest to prepare them for when they are in season-again, same thing with relationships (you have the "getting to know each other" phase, "dating" phase, and then the actual season of the relationship). Some relationships, however, are only meant to stand the test of time for a short season. That season can vary from a month to 3 years, even 50 years; no matter how long the season is, though, once that relationship has served its purpose, that season will end. Once again, just like in nature, certain aspects of that season will begin to shed and whither. If a relationship begins to diminish (shed/whither), the season of that relationship may be over and you may just need to let that relationship go.

Of course, I know, that's a lot easier said than done.

However, that's where God comes in to not only encourage us, but to remind us that He is still in control and still has our best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). No matter what, God calls for us to Trust [Him] with all of [our hearts], depending not on [our] own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). Ultimately, He loves us more than anything or anyone else ever could and He knows what's truly best for us.

Here are some great scriptures on what God says to encourage the brokenhearted:

• The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)
• Cast your burden on the Lord, He'll carry you and He'll help you out (Psalm 55:22)
•  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)
• Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10) 

However, if you're a hopeful romantic like I am, I know that even after all of this, you'll still propose the thought:
    Well Nic, you know I hear all of that and I totally agree...but what if he (or she) comes back? What if they really are 'The One' and what if just like you said, this is just the end of a specific season in our relationship?

In that case, I say that we, as human beings, have the tendency to always have our own agendas, but if it is truly in the will of God for that relationship to persist somewhere in the future, than it will according to God's purpose (Proverbs 19:21). The Word of God says in Matthew 6:34 to not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. So in that case, be still and know that God is God (Psalm 46:10), for He works all things out for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28).  

If you're waiting for that man or woman to return, weigh your options! Seek God for understanding on whether or not that relationship's season is truly over. You should NOT be waiting around forever for that person! LIVE YOUR LIFE! Do not waste your life and your good single years, crying and waiting, waiting and crying for that man or woman to come back! If they don't, you'll have wasted your time (and some good mascara) on some joker who ain't even thinkin' about you no mo'!

And...TRULY, and I REALLY mean TRULY, if God has called you to wait on this person, ask Him to guide you in this waiting time-ask Him what it is that He desires for you to do in this season of waiting. Don't waste your season of waiting either, being unwise with your time and your talents. Prepare yourself for the next step of that relationship. Also, while you are waiting, BE PATIENT! Don't try to bring the two of you back together on your own! Clearly that worked out for no one; ask Abraham! You don't want to meet your Adam (or Eve) prematurely and you're not ready. When the time is right, God will bring you back to that place (Genesis 28:15). WAIT ON HIM! Not your own will. Chill out shawty!

In closing, know that God has chosen someone SO MIRACULOUS for you who is more than worth waiting for. But more importantly, you are worth the wait. Whomever God has set aside for you, He will bring directly to you for the right time. Just trust Him. TRUE, keyword: TRRRRRRUUUUUE, Love waits and above all, true love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Stay encouraged!

God loves you & so do I!

Peace,
xo, Nic.