Now that I've probably gotten your attention because let's face it—marriage is somewhat a key part of this whole thing, it's not the focal point. In fact, getting married makes up about 15% of this #TheRibLifeJourney because at the center of this entire journey is Christ, Himself, but you probably already knew that. So let's get to the question I'm pretty sure you're trying to figure out the answer to—why I don't want to get married.
Well...the answer is quite simple, with somewhat of a complex background.
Earlier this week, my bestest guy friend and I were on the phone for our usual Sunday/Monday night updates. We talk about everything from politics, television, media, our mutual love for Jay-Z and hip hop music, all to men, women, and love and relationships. Every week, he and I talk about the same topics in a different way, and every single week we agree to disagree on these same topics; I can't tell you how many times we argue about why Drake is or isn't the greatest rapper out right now. It's so ridiculous, he started a Twitter war about it! But anyways! On Sunday night, something different happened—we were talking about the difference between men and women in relationships, and out of nowhere I became really angry and emotional. It was as if something had come over me and had ignited this unresolved tension between my humanity and the male specie, and I was letting my friend have it.
It got so bad that randomly I shouted, "I'm done! I give up!" There was a slight pause before he asked for assurance, "What do you mean you give up? On love?" The answer was yes...I was putting down all hope I had in the fairy tale ending, a house with a white picket fence and a husband that throws rose petals at my feet (not that I really think this way, but I'm pretty sure there are some women out there that define this as the "happy ending"). I was done, and he QUICKLY cut me off and said, "Bro (yes, he calls me bro), you can't just give up—that's wack! You just can't; I know it's hard for you, but you can't."
But I wanted to...I was tired and I felt like at this point, I'm not waiting for "him." I was tired of giving men chance after chance, to be left with nothing in return but a broken heart and memories that turned into unwanted repetitive nightmares. I was done. I had come to the conclusion that if I really wanted kids, I was going to turkey baste all of my children Being Mary Jane style; SO SERIOUS! I was over it, y'all. I went to bed Sunday night discouraged and it seemed no matter what my best friend said to me, I was still in the mindset that marriage and love weren't in the cards for me.
And then Monday morning came...and for what seemed to have been the first three hours of my day, God kept pushing me around my house like, "Hey little girl, are you going to stop being a brat and tell me what the heck was going on with you last night? Are you going to tell me why AGAIN you fell into the trap of your own mind? Are you going to tell me why you keep NOT trusting me? Are you going to tell me why you're defining your happiness and love within a man and not me?"
THREE HOURS Y'ALL! And He didn't stop...quite frankly, He let up on pushing me around my house, but those questions are still lingering because to be honest, up until this post, I hadn't talked to Him about it...because God was right. My "brat attack" about giving up on love is all tied to a trust issue and leads me to the answer to this post.
A lot of us women desire marriage because we're infatuated with the idea of it—the wedding day, the honeymoon, the lovey dovey emotions and the rest of the fluff stuff that we're told marriage is. But what about the work it comes with, the submission it requires, the endurance, the courage and faithfulness it calls for. More importantly, the selflessness that marriages calls for...you ready for that? Because it can get ugly and when that man isn't the man you "fell in love with," can you still pray for him? Will you be selfish enough to not walk out on him when he tells you he can't do something? Will you be trustworthy enough to care for him when he is low and needs someone to talk to and still see him as a man? Will you be slow to anger when he tells you he's having problems with lust, when another woman is taking the time to pay him more attention, when you've been overly working and may have forgot to tell you him you loved him lately? THAT'S THE REALITY OF MARRIAGE.
Does it come with the good times? Yes, but it also requires work. And if you only married that man because you thought he was the solution to your loneliness and you thought he was your happiness...I'm here to tell you that happiness is only contingent on your happenings; it's conditioned on your circumstances. Joy is eternal, though, and you'll only find that in God.
The simplest answer to why I don't want to get married is that if it doesn't please God—if He is not at the center of it, if it's not helping me to fulfill the purpose and plan that He has for me—I don't want to get married. If I'm going to put a man that will somedays fail me because he is human—if I'm going to put him over God, I don't want it. And if I'm going to lose myself trying to get another person to define my happiness and the love I've already been filled with, then I DON'T WANT IT. Return to sender! I'm good bruh! You can slide yo self out my DM's, hit 'em with the BLOCK, CTRL. ALT. DELETE.
I don't want to get married if at the end of it all God is not the one who gets glory out of it. What good is it?! In fact, Paul warns us not to get married because of its complexities. Check it out—he says in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (MSG),
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God.CLEARLY, plain as day, the homie Paul is telling us, "Ayo, bruh, you sure you wanna get hitched? Because it ain't all roses and unicorns, fam!" And if you do truly desire marriage, Paul doesn't say it's a bad thing (1 Cor. 7:2), and I'm not saying it's a bad thing either because HONESTLY, TRULY (Joanne the Scammer voice), I do want to get married eventually with the hopes that my marriage is pleasing in God's eyes.
The point both the homie Paul and I are simply trying to get the single ladies club to understand is that BEFORE you starting singing "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh..." Beyonce-style, put God FIRST. In this same chapter of 1 Corinthians, Paul says "Don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there" (1 Cor. 7:17).
It all comes down to self contentment and continuing to trust THE Man—God. God, defines our lives—not a man or our marital status (1. Cor. 7:17). We shouldn't idolize marriage or see it as the end all be all because it's not! There's this Ruth & Esther movement I see a lot of on social media where a lot of these "ministers and evangelists" are preaching marriage and how to be a wife, and that's cool if that's your steeze! But if all you're taught is that marriage and being a wife is all there is, you will be wasting your life, ladies...because if that man never comes, what are you going to say? What are you going to do? Think that God failed you? Follow that movement if you want to, but read the WHOLE book of Ruth and Esther—those women were working, fulfilling their purposes in Christ both BEFORE AND AFTER they mens came through!
Desire Christ, more than marriage...and when you put the things of Him first, ALL THINGS, not some, but ALL will be added unto you (Matthew 6. 33)...including your little somewhat of a fairy tale marriage to your man!
Enjoy your life, seek Him & love yourself—life will be simpler in many ways if you do (1. Cor. 7:7).
Peace + Love,