Why I Chose Celibacy: My Testimony & What Love's Got to Do With It?

Hey Lovelies!

So...in May 2015, I made a leap. I stepped out on faith and transformed a previous poetry blog into now what is "The #RibLife Journey." The "journey" in and of itself has been tough, up, down, but above all else so worth it. This past weekend some co-workers of mine had brought up my blog at work and asked a question I hadn't really been asked in a long time.

"Why are you celibate in the 21st century?!!"

It was so left and I was so not expecting it, then I realized for the past 4 years, I had been around people that had known me throughout college so I didn't need to explain or talk about my story. Then it hit me—I'd never really told my truth about how I got here, to this very moment in my journey. Today's the day I tell it and fly free from the fear of holding that truth in.

Me at 16 yo;
If this little girl only knew what I know now!!!!

When I was about 13, I believe, maybe a day or so after my 13th birthday, my mom sat me down in our living room to talk about "the birds and the bees." I'll never forget that day—I was still playing with Barbies and for some reason had brought two of them to this "house meeting" as my mom would call them for my sister and me. She was really cool about explaining sex. Mom dukes was a mentor in her line of work to teens in local communities and basically, she talked to me like she would them—REAL; she didn't sugar coat anything. Some of her last words in that conversation with me were, "You can always come to me for anything. And though I want you to wait until marriage because that's what God wants of us, if you do decide you want to be sexually active, you can come talk to me about it and we'll take the proper steps to make sure you're safe."

I was just about to turn 17 when I lost my virginity.

I was dating this guy who I thought would stop cheating if I'd give him this one thing he was going to other girls for; my self esteem was really low and I was in a really difficult place in my adolescence. I had "friends," but I still felt like a loner sometimes. I didn't always like what I saw in the mirror and it was just really hard. Long story short—he kept cheating and I broke up with him two months later.

At that point, I went through this internal depression. Here I was 17—just broke up with a loser, just gave myself to this loser, was too afraid to talk to my mom because I didn't want to feel like I failed her nor did I want to disappoint her, DEFINITELY wasn't telling my dad because he would've went to jail, told my god sister, but still nothing and no one could understand what I was feeling nor what I was going through internally. I went through most of that time by myself. I cried a lot; I felt broken and hollow. But God said, "You don't have to be."

Fast forward to about a year later, I had healed from that past relationship, was thriving in a way healthier and better relationship, and I was preparing to go off to college. That spring, my mom was talking to me about birth control, but I would always brush it off because despite no longer being a virgin, I still wanted to be one! I didn't actually want to be sexually active AT ALL. Sex did NOT excite me, it did NOT make me feel anything but GUILTY, EMPTY and SINFUL. I got no pleasure out of it and it separated/stopped me from talking to God. It was NOTHING like what society lied to me about! Eventually my parents were actually having yelling matches on why I should or should not be put on birth control and Pops was NOT having it! He called me one afternoon while I was home sick I think from school and was like, "Baby girl, you have a choice! You don't have to go on birth control if you don't want to, especially if you're not having sex." He later told me he wanted me to wait and that he loved me too much to not remind me of the WORTH and VALUE I held within myself. Call it a father's touch or what have you, but that was all I needed to make my decision—my pop pouring his heart out to me, telling me he wanted me to wait and that he loved me was all the validation I needed.

Since that talk with my old man in 2011, I've been celibate. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Slipped up? ABSOLUTELY! Have I recovered? No doubt. Is it worth it? More than anything. Why?

Because...I found myself. And I found myself when I went before God about my purity. For years, I had been searching for my worth and thought it was in some pubescent relationship. My parents were amazing at being there and always telling me I was beautiful, but in my head, every parent tells their child that! For all I knew, they could've been lying to me because it was a rule of the Parents' Club to tell your kid that, even if it means you're lying. My worth and value wasn't in my parents, and I later found out that it wasn't in a relationship with some little boy, nor was it found in what's between my legs. My worth and value is in God; always has been and always will be.

When I went before God about my decision to be celibate, I expected THE WORST. I actually expected to be struck with some illegitimate baby and thought I would die from some STD. But...He actually embraced me; He was waiting for me to talk to Him. He was waiting for me to repent of my sin so that He could pour out His love to me. Even in that moment of repentance and in the moments to come where I struggled, He reminded me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1). So it didn't matter what I did, so long as I asked for His forgiveness, He had forgiven me and still loved me the same. The moment I repented before Him, my sin was thrown into a sea of forgetfulness (Micah 7:19). God did not want me to be bound by my sin; He wanted to free me from that bondage, and when I gave Him control, He did.

Writing this post was hard for me y'all—to strip the "image" of what people perceive of you and be honest about the person behind that perception is rough! But I didn't want to be held captive of an expectation of a "cookie-cutter" because I'm not and never will be that person. I'm simply a sinner who is loved by a merciful, forgiving, true, and eternal God...and I am so in love with Him. I also battled with not just telling my truth here, but also to my mom, which I literally did 24 hours ago. I bawled like a baby during their teething stage talking to her; it was ugly. I had prayed before I called her, practiced what I was going to say to her and how I was going to say it, and whether she would hate me or not, I made up in my mind that I would go free after that talk with her. Well because my mom is the REALEST, the moment I finished telling her, she said, "Nic, I love you." Cried even harder man. Looked like I got punched in both eyes after that!

By coming clean about my truth and my testimony, I'm hoping, even if it's one of you reading this, that you find comfort, healing, and your freedom. Being honest with yourself is a divine responsibility; you grant yourself permission and peace to be who you really are. To both my ladies and fellas—this world will tell you so many things about who it thinks you should be. The only truth about who you are is what's in the Word of God. You can search the entire earth for love, your worth, and your validation, but you'll never find it unless you seek Him for it. And no matter what it is you do or have done, there is NOTHING that can or will EVER separate you from the love that God has for you (Romans 8:39). He is willing to reason with you about your situation, willing to cleanse you, heal you, and fix you (Isaiah 1:18, Hebrews 8:12), all we have to do is ask; confess and repent to Him and you're forgiven just like that (1 John 1:9). The whole point of Christ coming was for sinners; He didn't come for the righteous people, the holy than thou people, the "cookie-cutters." He came for the broken girls like me, searching for self esteem in a boyfriend they know doesn't really love them but thinking their love is enough to make him stay. Christ came for the lost young men, abandoned by loved ones who are just waiting on someone to not leave them like everyone else has. Our Savior came for us—people like you and me; the sinners (Luke 5:32). And I promise you, in Him, you'll find it all—love, peace, healing, joy, forgiveness, freedom, purity, redemption—He's got it and wants to give it to you. Don't let the sting of guilt or shame stop you from talking with your Father.

He loves you immensely.

You Are Forgiven...now walk in your freedom.

Stay encouraged friends,
xo Nic.

Mom Dukes & Me at a JT concert;
Love you mom! xo

"I Did It Again; God, I've Gone Too Far Sexually"

I think this is a common conversation that I've had so many times with young women that are first starting out in their celibacy journeys and/or are contemplating about being celibate, or young women like me in their journeys and slip up because we're human! A lot of times people ask how do I do it and every single time I tell them, it's HARD.

Just like every other human being on this planet, we all have sexual urges and are naturally sensual creatures. To "deny" those sexual urges seems unnatural to the average person. But what happens when you're on your celibacy journey and that visit over from an ex or even "ya boo", or a movie date turns into a night cap and it "just happened;" what then? Now, you're left feeling guilty, like you're the scum of the earth, you feel like God has removed His hand off your life, you can't look yourself in the mirror because you're ashamed and you just can't seem to pick yourself back up.

Well, I'm here to tell you that there's hope...and in that moment, in that space where you feel shamed and feel as though God has left the building, He's actually sitting right at the door, waiting for you to open it so that you both can talk it out.

I've been there numerous times! I still experience temptation and GO THROUGH IT; trust me! And if you're like me, IT'S NOT A FUN PLACE TO BE! And that morning after is even worst. But then God reminded me of a few things:

First, He reminded me that He loves me unconditionally. There is nothing that you nor I can do that can separate us from the love that God has for us (Romans 8:38-39). In fact, in that same text, it states that neither death, nor life...can separate us from the love of God in Christ. Now, catch this:

       -Before Christ came to redeem us, we were subjected to death because of our sin. In the Old Testament, you'll see that when a sin or unlawful deed was committed, saints would have to bring a sacrificial offering-usually one of an animal from their flock-in exchange for the blood that should've been shed for their sin; death of the flesh in other words. However, this text in Romans says that because of Christ and because of our redemption in HIM, not even our own sin that should lead us to death nor the lives that we live can separate us from God's love. Basically, it doesn't matter what you've done, GOD STILL LOVES YOU.

Another thing He reminded me of was that His mercies are brand new everyday and they endure forever (Psalm 136, Lamentations 3:22-23). Lamentations 3:22-23 also reminds us again of that unconditional, never ending love that God has for us, as it states that [God's] steadfast love never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning." That means that every single day, God grants us His mercy and it won't ever fail! No matter what you do, His mercy is with you. He knew you were going to fall before you did, which is why He had to send Jesus to save you! His mercy has been granted to you.

Lastly, He reminded me that I am forgiven-that all I have to do is confess with my mouth, repent and just like that He is faithful and righteous, forgiving us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). And not only does He forgive us of our sin, but He forgets it, too (Isaiah 43:25). Just like that! You confess your sin & repent (which simply means to express your sincere regret and remorse), ask for His forgiveness, and just like that...He says "I hear you, My child. You are FORGIVEN. Now go on and sin no more."

It's that easy!

What's not easy is the "sin no more" part of it. Even in that, because He loves us and hates to see us fail, He even provides encouragement for us in that process.

He reassures us in 2 Corinthians 5:17 that if anyone is in Christ, [they are] a new creation; the old [you] has gone [away]. In other words, who you used to be and even what you did yesterday, doesn't matter. Your old life is no longer a concern to Him because of your life in Christ.

After He reassures us of our new life, He tells us to put on the whole armor of God so that [we] may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil (Ephesians 6:11-12). We must clothe ourselves in God, accepting His will, inviting His Holy Spirit in, and meditating on His Word, speaking it into our lives, so that when we are tempted, we know how to fight!

Finally, He provides an escape. Yep, you read that right-an escape. God does not ever allow an uncommon temptation or anything that Christ hasn't endured. But because He is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. He knows what you're capable of enduring and He will not pressure you nor allow you to be pressured beyond the strength that He has equipped you with. And when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

By now, I know you're probably asking one of two of these things, or maybe both:
       1.  Well Nic, why does He allow me to be tempted anyways? What's the point? Why can't God/satan stop playing these games and just let me live already?!
                                                                            OR
       2. Okay Nic, I hear you and all, but what is this escape you speak of because when it gets lusty; I don't see no way out? I'm trying, but this flesh really gets to me when he's/she's looking good and looking at me like that!

I am SO glad you asked, my friend!
     
       1. You suffer, because Christ suffered too. Ultimately, the point is so that God can get the glory. Plus, life would be SO boring without progress. Can you imagine if life was perfect and you didn't have to work to earn anything? What would we learn? What strength would we have....um, none. We'd be basic. I don't know about you, but I'm not a fan of being basic! Nope. Not at all. God allows us to be tempted and grants permission to the adversary for us to be tempted, knowing how much we can bear, to build us in Him. He's building our stamina!

       2. The escape He provides is that LOUD but still voice you hear when you feel like things are getting tense. Right before you proceed to go through with it, there's this LOUD still voice that warns you and assures you that temptation is near and that you can run. THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY OUT! Whether it be you knowing yourself well enough to know your triggers, surrounding yourself with accountable people, establishing explicit boundaries with your partner, or simply no longer partaking in things that you know will only lead to you falling into temptation, He will always provide an escape. It may not be a literal door of escape, but if you pay close attention and have truly allowed the Holy Spirit to come in and reside within you, you'll have an escape.

Now that you know of His love for you, how He's not mad at you, but indeed has forgiven and that you know how to equip yourself to fight temptation's butt, you might still be at at standstill because of one or, again, two of these things: (1) you haven't accepted Christ as your personal Savior yet, or (2) you have no idea what prayer to pray in order to repent.

Welp, I'm so happy Jesus is the homie and God is my Dad because they both helped me to write these prayers for you to recite in your quiet time of mediation and prayer.

A Prayer for Salvation:

Father God, in the name of Jesus, I come before You first thanking You for my life. I thank You for knowing me even before I was in my mother's womb. I also thank You for loving me so much that you sent Your only son Jesus Christ to die for my sins. I confess with my mouth that I am guilty of all of my sins. Father, forgive me for I am truly sorry. I believe that Jesus came to this Earth, that He died and rose up from the grave so that I may have everlasting life with You. Right now, I ask that Jesus come into my heart, save me, and be the Lord of my life. I accept Jesus as my personal savior and this day, according to Your Word, I declare that I am saved. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A Prayer for Repentance:

Father, in Jesus's name, I come before you humbly first to say thank You. I thank You for Your son Jesus Christ who died and rose for the wages of my sin. I thank You for Your unconditional and unwavering love for me. Father, I confess that I messed up; I own up to my mistakes and I ask for Your forgiveness. Father, I also ask that You come into my heart and let Your Holy Spirit reside here permanently. I ask that You allow Your will to completely take over my life. Help me with my walk and within my celibacy journey. Help me to pick up my cross and deny my flesh, just like my Big Brother Jesus did. Help me to move out the way and go Your way. Help me to be more like Jesus, Daddy. Show me how not to take Your mercy for granted. In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen.

And just like that, you're officially a part of the family! Welcome to the family and welcome to this big group hug that God, Jesus and me are giving you right now. Now after you've prayed either of these prayers, I suggest you be in constant conversation with God and follow the Spirit to find a church home or to enroll yourself into a ministry that is going to help you grow in your faith and in your walk.

If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email using the email provided in the contact tab, or leave me a comment and I'll get back to you ASAP.

He loves you & so do I!

Peace,
xo, Nic.